The Skunk Report is proud to announce a groundbreaking new product. Hogy Fresh Flavor Eel works so well for attracting big fish (and we would know), that we have taken a page from the Hogy play book and developed a unique, multi-purpose lotion for that special day at the beach.

Big Bite Sunscreen from SR Manufacturing combines 30 SPF sunscreen with great eel flavoring. Just slather it generously on your children or spouse and send them out for a nice swim!

Big Bite Sunscreen has been thoroughly tested and given a big thumbs-up by the Skunkmeister himself. It is guaranteed to prevent sunburn and will not wash off, so it lasts just about as long as it needs to! You will love this product and will use it again and again:

If you have a big family, you’ll go through a lot of this, so take advantage of this special offer: Buy four bottles of Big Bite Sunscreen, and we’ll ship you three bottles, all at no extra charge. That’s right! Do it now and make your next trip to the beach one to remember!

Got email from some skeptics who weren’t confident that my low-cost, stylish headlamp would actually stay on anyone’s head in the field. Well, the Skunkmeister did not come down with yesterday’s rain here, but has been around quite a while, and so every piece of outdoor equipment is thoroughly tested. Here’s how my low-cost headlamp hat works. If you have a big head like me (physically speaking), you just jam that hat down hard and it will stay on there. Pinheads like these skeptics can use the optional accessory kit, which includes a half-dozen shingle nails and a shiny new hammer. Hopefully these guys will figure out how to use it.

Now here is a really stupid idea:

This appears to be a hat that keeps your face cool by blowing air from a dinky fan powered by solar cells. The Skunkmeister brought one into the Skunk Report Testing Lab here, and found that it works, as long as you stand under a light bulb that is turned on. So, if it is cloudy outside, and you want to actually use the hat fan, you need to bring a light bulb and a long extension cord out on your fishing trip to the lake.

Time to check it out in the Skunk Report Field Lab.

We got out of the car and put it on our head in the sun, and, sure enough, the fan ran. So far, so good. But let’s get into the water. We slipped on the vintage waders and waded out a few yards into the water. First thing that happened is that thundering herds of mosquitoes materialized spontaneously, right out of thin air, as they say. Okay, so we slathered on the bug juice, which usually doesn’t help much, but at least makes you feel and smell like you’re really out fishing.

It was getting hot, so we flipped the fan on and the darnedest thing happened. Like a supercharged bug-whacker, the fan sucked in every mosquito within a half mile and fired them en masse right smack into the old eyeballs. Whoa, this is fun!

Some quick thinking saved the day. We flung the hat as far as possible into the lake, hustled back to the car, and went back to the Skunk Report General Offices for a cold beverage.

The next time you complainers think about telling the Skunkmeister that one of his particular ideas is stupid, think about that idiotic hat fan, or this one:

or this one:

or even this one:

Just maybe that’s stupid enough for you.

There was a monster traffic jam in Boston last Saturday…

Yes, it’s true, the Skunkmeister was in town for the Striper Fest. The crowd was cranked as the man approached.

It was bedlam!

It was a party, all right, as thousands packed the Harpoon Brewery for an afternoon of guy talk, prizes, food, and drink. There were games, like keg bowling and familiar fun like this:

The vendors sold some tackle, books, and apparel like this lucky lady bought:

It looks suspiciously like a smile on my face, but don’t think for a minute that I’m going soft on you. I was just enjoying that chunk of bratwurst stuck in my teeth.

A big thumbs up to the On The Water crew for handling crowd control during the Skunkmeister’s visit. The crowd was somewhat well-behaved.

Oh, yeah, the heaviest striper for the tournament weighed in at 59.75 pounds. This fellow was pretty excited, but to me it’s all just bait.

I am insulted. Following this post, I received some flak (yes, that is spelled correctly) about my new, clean-cut physical appearance. These fools presumed that the creature in the ad is me. Not in a million years. Here is a side by side comparison.

This is important. I am the one on the right. Note these features on the real Skunkmeister: facial hair (a must, and not some silly goatee), orange hat (gotta be that I-am-not-a-deer-bozo color), snow (lots of it), snowshoes (not just to hang on the wall), and a mug of hot tea (must be Smokey Joe Tea, not some frilly dress, rocking on the porch, sipping tea). If you need more evidence than this, do not return to the Skunk Report. Go instead to www.blind-as-a-bat.com and get your eyes fixed. Thank you.

If this does not convince you that humans tend to make problems worse rather than better, read this.

Note that poisoning the pike did not work a few years back, but, so what, we’ll spend more of the people’s money to do it again. Also note that this particular poison only kills creatures with gills. Great, now I feel much better about poisoning a large water system. We won’t even consider the fact that northern pike are a great gamefish in their own right (see right).

As a man of action, the vigilant Skunkmeister has referred the state of California to the UN for employing chemical weapons indiscriminately again their own people. The UN will now try to beat California down with endless resolutions and requests for bribes.

Wait a minute, maybe this poisoning technique, when applied to the Rio Grande, will help stem the tide of the little brown fish. Hey, if the little brown fish return to the river after a few years, we’ll just do it again!

A while ago, the Skunkmeister promised to do book reviews, and, therefore, procured a book. Well, that book degenerated into philosophizing after about six words. By the first 50 pages we had discussed all manner of uninteresting things, and so I put it down and said, “Fie on this nonsense.” If I want anecdotes about the minutiae of a trivial and stupid life, I’ll read my own stuff. I give it a P-factor of about 7 of 10. That is my first review.

Anyway, I have been reading about the unusual 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, whose pomposity factor was pretty significant. He led what the rest of us would consider a full life before he was 21. Anyway, a book about the last great adventure of his life, entitled River of Doubt, tells of Roosevelt’s little field trip down a previously unexplored river in the bowels of the Amazon basin. Apparently, the atmosphere was so oppressive that several North American members of the expedition swam like so:

The former president described as “a great, fat fish.” Naturally, my thoughts turned to invasive species.

This photograph was one of the first documented examples of an invasive species in a South American river system. The great fat fish, which became known south of the border as the Great White Gringo, is still a rarity, and, when spotted by locals, is greeted with much curiosity, hooting, and occasional gunfire.

Interestingly, a smaller and darker version of this fish is invading the river systems of North America, notably the Rio Grande.

These unusual variants generally swim in only one direction, and scientists speculate that these creatures have some undocumented internal compass that aims them to the north. These little brown fish spawn uncontrollably.

This is a problem that no scientist, engineer, chemist, or individual sharpshooter has been able to solve. Our government policy is to be nice to the little brown fish in the hopes that they will simply stop coming or at least stay out of sight, but that approach appears to be failing.

River of Doubt is a cool book and includes stuff about piranhas. Hey, maybe we should introduce piranhas into the Rio Grande and see if that helps reduce the burgeoning little brown fish population.

Once again, some people have been asking me how they can be advised of new posts without going through all that effort of looking it up themselves. How passive. Well, here is a quality graphic to show you where to go to subscribe to the Skunk Report. First, look up and to the right (on the screen, not in the room). You will see this link:

Click on the Subscribe link, do what it says, and you, too, can join the ranks of savvy fishermen who get an email whenever the Skunk Report is updated. Some of those savvy subscribers will no doubt be irritated that I have had to waste all this time reminding people about this process, but, tough beans. I don’t like it either. Now, back to the serious business of testing out my new fishing boat:

I’m particularly fond of the manly twin 0.005HP engines, each powered by a AAA battery you can buy at any store.

Someone told me that if this is supposed to be a fishing boat, there ought to be a rod holder. I’m sure it’s here somewhere. I’ll look for it when I’ve finished my beverage.

Email your entry to the First Annual Skunk Report Complete-the-Corny-Saying contest.

There is a real prize that you will really be ambivalent about owning and that has the potential to actually help you catch a fish, or at least have a good time while losing fish.

There are only 10 days left! Great entries are already in the hopper! Where’s yours!

Take it from the Skunkmeister. Don’t get skunked. Send entries to: bigjohn at skunkreport dot com.

I came across this bucolic scene of a man fishing off the breakwater with his wife at lunch time today:

I thought this was great, so I got out of the car and strolled down to the water’s edge. Their conversation was touching, a true testament to the institution of marriage:

Inspiring!

Every year, the boys at On The Water magazine hold an informal, totally non-competitive contest to see who can weigh in the biggest striper. At the Christmas party, the winner gets to keep all the entry fees. They let me participate because my $25 entry fee makes the pot bigger without any chance of my actually winning. It’s like free money to them. But this year it will be different.

Now, these guys know how to catch fish, and the annual OTW Striper Contest, also known as the OTW General Management Benefit Fund, is supposed to be done on your own time, but you know how that is. It’s hard to break into that elite echelon of winners. We need some fresh blood in here. So how can someone like me have a chance to win this thing? I have a strategy.

According to the OTW Striper Contest accountant, no one has put his money into the pool this year. Now, the rules say that if your money isn’t in, you don’t win, no matter how massive your striper is. So, I have quietly slipped my $25 to the OTW Striper Contest accountant, who has promised me that she will stop reminding everyone else to pay up. Now, these guys are always very busy, especially in the fall. Stay with me on this. They all forget to put in their cash, I catch one measly, barely-legal striper (or borrow one in a pinch), and voila, I win! It’s brilliant!

I am so confident that I was up early practicing my celebration dance:

Hey, wait a minute, if no one puts cash into the kitty, the only thing I will win is my own $25. Oh, well, that’s $25 more than I usually have at the end of this thing. I can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s face!