The Skunk Report is proud to announce a groundbreaking new product. Hogy Fresh Flavor Eel works so well for attracting big fish (and we would know), that we have taken a page from the Hogy play book and developed a unique, multi-purpose lotion for that special day at the beach.

Big Bite Sunscreen from SR Manufacturing combines 30 SPF sunscreen with great eel flavoring. Just slather it generously on your children or spouse and send them out for a nice swim!

Big Bite Sunscreen has been thoroughly tested and given a big thumbs-up by the Skunkmeister himself. It is guaranteed to prevent sunburn and will not wash off, so it lasts just about as long as it needs to! You will love this product and will use it again and again:

If you have a big family, you’ll go through a lot of this, so take advantage of this special offer: Buy four bottles of Big Bite Sunscreen, and we’ll ship you three bottles, all at no extra charge. That’s right! Do it now and make your next trip to the beach one to remember!

Got email from some skeptics who weren’t confident that my low-cost, stylish headlamp would actually stay on anyone’s head in the field. Well, the Skunkmeister did not come down with yesterday’s rain here, but has been around quite a while, and so every piece of outdoor equipment is thoroughly tested. Here’s how my low-cost headlamp hat works. If you have a big head like me (physically speaking), you just jam that hat down hard and it will stay on there. Pinheads like these skeptics can use the optional accessory kit, which includes a half-dozen shingle nails and a shiny new hammer. Hopefully these guys will figure out how to use it.

Now here is a really stupid idea:

This appears to be a hat that keeps your face cool by blowing air from a dinky fan powered by solar cells. The Skunkmeister brought one into the Skunk Report Testing Lab here, and found that it works, as long as you stand under a light bulb that is turned on. So, if it is cloudy outside, and you want to actually use the hat fan, you need to bring a light bulb and a long extension cord out on your fishing trip to the lake.

Time to check it out in the Skunk Report Field Lab.

We got out of the car and put it on our head in the sun, and, sure enough, the fan ran. So far, so good. But let’s get into the water. We slipped on the vintage waders and waded out a few yards into the water. First thing that happened is that thundering herds of mosquitoes materialized spontaneously, right out of thin air, as they say. Okay, so we slathered on the bug juice, which usually doesn’t help much, but at least makes you feel and smell like you’re really out fishing.

It was getting hot, so we flipped the fan on and the darnedest thing happened. Like a supercharged bug-whacker, the fan sucked in every mosquito within a half mile and fired them en masse right smack into the old eyeballs. Whoa, this is fun!

Some quick thinking saved the day. We flung the hat as far as possible into the lake, hustled back to the car, and went back to the Skunk Report General Offices for a cold beverage.

The next time you complainers think about telling the Skunkmeister that one of his particular ideas is stupid, think about that idiotic hat fan, or this one:

or this one:

or even this one:

Just maybe that’s stupid enough for you.

Once in a while I find myself clobbering around at the edge of some fast moving water in the dark, wishing I had an extra hand to hold my lucky flashlight so I wouldn’t fall in and drown.

Now, some would suggest that I stick the flashlight in my mouth, but it is a double D-cell model, and I have found that, once stuck in my mouth, the flashlight prevents both eating and breathing (real men breathe through their mouths), and I prefer not to do this. What to do?

After some thorough online research, I came up with this solution:

Now, there are a whole passel of things wrong with this approach. First, it costs $43 plus shipping. Second, it was obviously cooked up in an urban studio by some design school graduate sipping a latte, not by a real human who has stood in the pounding surf in the middle of the night with a monster on. Third, and worst, they used a pink hat to model this contraption. That’s all you need to know. I wouldn’t be caught dead in this fool getup, even in the dark. There must be a better way.

A minute of careful thought and two minutes of precision construction and, voila, something a real man would be proud to wear:

This beauty didn’t cost a nickel, and it integrates my lucky hat and lucky flashlight. I tried my rig out in the Skunk Report equipment testing area:

So far, so good! Now, we take the Skunklight out into the field!

Here we are, at a local fishing hole known to produce large results on an irregular basis. Patience and toughness matter here. Because of the tight quarters, I am using a traditional handline, a technique I have used since I was a little snapper.

You will see that the Skunklight not only looks great, but also works like a charm! I can’t wait to see what I scare up in the old hole tonight! If you want one of these fabulous lights, you’ll have to make your own. I refuse to succumb to the siren song of commercialism.

I was out on the breakwater recently, and a man came up to me.

“Just what kind of gear does a master fisherman like you use?” he asked, or words to that effect. I told him he had asked the right man and proceeded to advise him.

Later, I thought I’d share the answer to his penetrating question with you all, using a photo, which is, as they say, worth a thousand words. If I can save a thousand words, then I don’t have to work as hard, by George. So here is the stuff without which I would never venture out into the wild, packed into my trunk:

Perhaps you have seen this:

This is old hat. Personally, I like my version:

Fish Want Me
Women Fear Me

Be on the lookout for Skunk Report gear with this stunning slogan!

Well, now that I am back in the saddle, so to speak, the image upload function on the Skunk Report has failed. Hang on, while I poke around.

Oh, while tossing a few casts into Falmouth Harbor at lunchtime today, I used my manly 9-foot rod to accidentally snag the hook remover pliers right out of my pocket and fling them into the harbor. I spent about 20 minutes dangling way over over the bulkhead, trying to hook the rod tip onto the lanyard loop on the pliers. Guess what?

Got fish? Nope. Got pliers? Yup.

And, the image uploader works!

The day is not all bad. We’ll keep trying, however.

“Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters.” Psalm 107:23

Others go down to the sea in lesser craft, doing small business on the shallow waters. I am one of these hearty men.

Why fuss with a boat, with all its inconvenience and expense? Compared with a boat, waders offer low cost (I got mine for free from my dad about 40 years ago), quick deployment, versatility (works on both dry land and water), no need to register with the state and stick little numbers on them, easy storage, etc. The list goes on and on.

So, my waders are like my own little boat, suitable for use in shallow water. Throw ‘em on stream side, at the pond, and on the beach.

If you insist, you can even hang a trolling motor on the back of your belt for a little boost, though you have to watch out for the prop. I prefer to use muscle power.

So here’s to all those rugged men who despise the fainthearted souls who must bob about in boats, here’s to those independent men who face the mighty ocean with only a thin skin of rubber between them and the dangers of the deep. Wade on. Just remember your long underwear.

It is spring, and, as we all know, in spring a young man’s thoughts turn to business ventures, among other things. Here are two such ventures.

Up in North Falmouth, Tim Folan and Kevin Malone have opened a brand new bait and tackle shop, Mad Fish Outfitters. What I like about their approach is that they are starting with a good name and logo, and they are selling more than just gear and bait and all that. They are selling a brand. That is smart.

Hogy Lures is not a new business, but they are moving into new digs in downtown Falmouth. Mike Hogan has been making some unique soft plastic lures that been giving some very impressive results (or so I hear - since last year I have kept my three Hogys safe and dry in their original package). Yesterday Mike was setting up shop, knee deep in Hogys, and obviously enjoying himself.

A sincere good luck to you gentlemen. When you all get big and fancy, remember that the big time publicity from this blog was what really got you going, and then send me some free stuff. Shirt size is XL, hats are, well, I guess one size fits all. And if I can catch a fish on any of your products, you know you have a winner.