Many have wondered, “Just what is the origin of the Skunkmeister?” Legends abound, such as the one that posits that the Skunkmeister sprang fully formed from the ocean as depicted in this quickie sketch by some Italian guy named Botticelli:

Another legend states that the Skunkmeister is the seed of a union between a barracuda and a sea cucumber:

At least this is believable, since the Skunkmeister has both the attitude of the barracuda and the speed of the sea cucumber, but that’s not the real story.

No, the Skunkmeister did not spring from the sea or benefit from great parentage like the barracuda and sea cucumber; the Skunkmeister is flesh and blood, just like you, an ordinary guy with extraordinary gifts, such as distrusting everyone.

Oh, here is the reason for all this clarification - one of the fertile Skunkmeister’s many offspring, Sarah, caught this nice bluefish at Megansett a couple of days ago.

I have taught her everything I know about fishing, but she obviously has not been paying attention. Where did I go wrong?

Hope is not lost, however. While Sarah was catching this fish, the Skunkmeister’s future son-in-law was untangling a bird’s nest on his reel, achieved while “showing her how to do it right.” I am pleased that all my hard work passing on my extensive knowledge is not in vain.

Want to be strong like the Skunkmeister? Try this Swedish delicacy:

If you still have any places where hair does not grow (unlikely among real men), this stuff will do the trick! The Skunk Report is negotiating with the manufacturer for exclusive North American marketing rights to this fine product. This really means the United States. Canadian men are too bland to appreciate this spicy offering, and Mexican men won’t even be able to read the label, which, surprisingly, is not in Spanish. Wait a minute, I can’t read the label, either.

Forget what the article says about problems about importing and so forth. We at the Skunk Report have ways of avoiding the fussbudgets in Customs. For your free sample of surströmming, send $525.00 for shipping and handling to the Skunk Report today. Start eating like a man and grow some hair!

Came home from work last night and said to myself, “I sure feel like fresh bluefish for supper.” Grabbed my stuff, went about 90 seconds to Megansett Harbor, hiked out on the breakwater a ways, clipped on one of those plastic poppers with rattly thingies inside, and, presto, a couple of casts later, brought in a nice 8 pound bluefish. Mission accomplished. At times like this, all that remains is to take a picture for posterity.

Back in the Skunk Report lab, I set up my vintage camera on the tripod, only to find that the batteries were dead, and there were no good batteries in the house. So I put the old thinking cap on and duct-taped a camera phone on the tripod and spent the next 20 minutes working on a way to click the shutter, and then run around into the picture while holding the bluefish. I am pretty fast afoot, but I never quite made it into the picture. It must have been the vintage waders that slowed me down.

My fish was beginning to stiffen up by now, so I said, “Screw it,” and brought the catch into the Skunk Report Gourmet Seafood Preparation area and snapped the shot there.

Wait, you say, that is just some photo you filched from the Internet. I am offended. Here is proof that the Skunkmeister was there:

The manly hands of the Skunkmeister make the fish look smaller than it really was, plus there was the reverse perspective. You know, when you are holding a fish up in front of you for a photo, you can hold the fish out towards the camera and make your 2 pounder look like a 20 pounder. Well, this picture makes the eight pound bluefish look like one of those cute little trout that you catch in those cute little streams up north. In a pinch, you can lay your cute little fish on a dessert plate and make it look big, but the Skunkmeister is not about stretching the truth to look good. Looking good comes naturally here.

Wait, you say, I though this web site is all about losing fish, not catching them.

What can I say. It was an accident. It won’t happen again.

Nothing beats a little romp on deck after a tough shift out on the Grand Banks:

It is recorded that Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “To sleep, perchance to dream - ay, there’s the rub.” Intelligent scholars now know that Shakespeare was preparing fresh fish for dinner, and he really wrote, “Ay, where’s the rub?”

The Skunk Report is proud to announce a groundbreaking new product. Hogy Fresh Flavor Eel works so well for attracting big fish (and we would know), that we have taken a page from the Hogy play book and developed a unique, multi-purpose lotion for that special day at the beach.

Big Bite Sunscreen from SR Manufacturing combines 30 SPF sunscreen with great eel flavoring. Just slather it generously on your children or spouse and send them out for a nice swim!

Big Bite Sunscreen has been thoroughly tested and given a big thumbs-up by the Skunkmeister himself. It is guaranteed to prevent sunburn and will not wash off, so it lasts just about as long as it needs to! You will love this product and will use it again and again:

If you have a big family, you’ll go through a lot of this, so take advantage of this special offer: Buy four bottles of Big Bite Sunscreen, and we’ll ship you three bottles, all at no extra charge. That’s right! Do it now and make your next trip to the beach one to remember!

Got email from some skeptics who weren’t confident that my low-cost, stylish headlamp would actually stay on anyone’s head in the field. Well, the Skunkmeister did not come down with yesterday’s rain here, but has been around quite a while, and so every piece of outdoor equipment is thoroughly tested. Here’s how my low-cost headlamp hat works. If you have a big head like me (physically speaking), you just jam that hat down hard and it will stay on there. Pinheads like these skeptics can use the optional accessory kit, which includes a half-dozen shingle nails and a shiny new hammer. Hopefully these guys will figure out how to use it.

Now here is a really stupid idea:

This appears to be a hat that keeps your face cool by blowing air from a dinky fan powered by solar cells. The Skunkmeister brought one into the Skunk Report Testing Lab here, and found that it works, as long as you stand under a light bulb that is turned on. So, if it is cloudy outside, and you want to actually use the hat fan, you need to bring a light bulb and a long extension cord out on your fishing trip to the lake.

Time to check it out in the Skunk Report Field Lab.

We got out of the car and put it on our head in the sun, and, sure enough, the fan ran. So far, so good. But let’s get into the water. We slipped on the vintage waders and waded out a few yards into the water. First thing that happened is that thundering herds of mosquitoes materialized spontaneously, right out of thin air, as they say. Okay, so we slathered on the bug juice, which usually doesn’t help much, but at least makes you feel and smell like you’re really out fishing.

It was getting hot, so we flipped the fan on and the darnedest thing happened. Like a supercharged bug-whacker, the fan sucked in every mosquito within a half mile and fired them en masse right smack into the old eyeballs. Whoa, this is fun!

Some quick thinking saved the day. We flung the hat as far as possible into the lake, hustled back to the car, and went back to the Skunk Report General Offices for a cold beverage.

The next time you complainers think about telling the Skunkmeister that one of his particular ideas is stupid, think about that idiotic hat fan, or this one:

or this one:

or even this one:

Just maybe that’s stupid enough for you.

There was a monster traffic jam in Boston last Saturday…

Yes, it’s true, the Skunkmeister was in town for the Striper Fest. The crowd was cranked as the man approached.

It was bedlam!

It was a party, all right, as thousands packed the Harpoon Brewery for an afternoon of guy talk, prizes, food, and drink. There were games, like keg bowling and familiar fun like this:

The vendors sold some tackle, books, and apparel like this lucky lady bought:

It looks suspiciously like a smile on my face, but don’t think for a minute that I’m going soft on you. I was just enjoying that chunk of bratwurst stuck in my teeth.

A big thumbs up to the On The Water crew for handling crowd control during the Skunkmeister’s visit. The crowd was somewhat well-behaved.

Oh, yeah, the heaviest striper for the tournament weighed in at 59.75 pounds. This fellow was pretty excited, but to me it’s all just bait.